#I'd let her bring a woman if it was a 2nd date.

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

The secret rule of who gets a plus one to my wedding is how happy I am that you're in a relationship. Cousin who's dragged a different weeb into every family photo for a decade? Nah, this weeb isn't drinking on my dime. Friend who finally found a genuinely nice boy after dating a string of abusive Maoists? Hell, invite his mom, too.

[tehuti88-heritage]

After My Dad, Part 1

(October 28, 2024)

OK…I'm starting to get errors again (it happens every time I come here, post a one-off, & think, hm, site seems to be working, let me try a multipart thread I've been wanting to start for months yet refrained because of the errors), but let me try to start this thread. It's a loose spinoff of the one about my dad's passing--very loose, though directly connected, it goes in a different direction. There's some genealogical stuff but it should get into topics some might consider a little "woo-woo" so there's that warning. It's been my way of trying to make sense of things.

Patchy & out of order due to my scattered brain. I'll add to this off and on, I can't guarantee when due to errors & anxiety. There's a Tumblr link on my main page where I will post all this at a later point in case of Universeodon malfunction, which happens when I write long threads. I'm jinxed.

The original thread: https://tehuti88-heritage.tumblr.com/post/763115474996330496/my-dad-part-1

The other day I went out to this little apple tree at the woods' edge to look at the exactly 4 apples it had. 1 nice big one, 1 ugly warped one, 2 tiny stunted ones. I'd planned to pick one, I chose the nice one, at a slightly later date, & bring it inside for a while, something I'd done last year when there were only 3 apples.

To my dismay…the nice big apple & its stunted companion were gone. They weren't on the ground. I finally spotted the remains of the nice apple shoved in a branch crook, half eaten. I pondered, should I take that apple still, or one of the 2 remaining? I finally decided on a new apple. Just seemed to me this half-eaten one had already been used as an "offering." I needed an untouched apple. The other 2 were too high to pick so I used a stick. Tried to knock down the tiny one, couldn't, so knocked down the ugly one. Figured maybe it's a sign that I'm meant to have the ugly apple & not the nice one.

I brought the ugly apple inside. Set it on my Irminsul where I'd once had the original apple. (The design of this Irminsul, I'm aware BTW, is highly problematic. Check Wikipedia to see why. I keep it only because I feel drawn to the Irminsul (rather than this symbol) itself, having found both Charlemagne & Widukind among my ancestors (I expected the 1st…was surprised by the 2nd), & so far nobody has created a new design. I'd like to create one myself, though 1. I suck at design, & 2. even if I do, it'll never catch on as this one has. So for now, this problematic Irminsul stays.)

You see some recent additions since the last time I photographed this. A set of charms & 2 statues of an old woman with goose feathers. Her name is Frau Holle or Holda. I set this up, wondering--though not quite sure yet--if she's the one sending signs, like the apples.

Firstly, some context:

Frau Holle.

(The young lady with the pillow in the illustration is not Frau Holle, BTW. That's Goldmarie. She's shaking Frau Holle's pillow, though. Same as the small statue in my photo.)

Last year, the autumn after my dad died, the apple tree, which I'd never noticed before, had only 3 apples. I took one. Didn't know why. Didn't know even what to do with it. I kind of wanted to eat it, but it might have a worm in it for all I knew. So I placed it on my Irminsul. Considered it an informal sort of offering, though to whom, I wasn't sure.

The Irminsul is a symbol of Odin/Wotan. Yet I feel no connection to him. I don't feel that he's reached out to me. Indeed, the more I read about the different Germanic deities, the more discouraged I felt. They're all grand beings, gods & goddesses of love & war & fertility. Nothing that has to do with me. I'm not a homemaker or a fighter. I'm a coward, a nobody, a nothing. Why would any of these beings want anything to do with me? I feel bigheaded just entertaining the concept, as you may tell from my posts here. May, might, maybe, uncertain, unsure, I don't know. I don't want to presume I'm worthy at all.

I kept the apple on the Irminsul throughout that winter & spring. Hoped for it to mummify. It did darken & shrivel, though remained mostly intact. Didn't turn to mush or smell bad. We got an ant infestation in the summer & at that point I reluctantly wrapped the apple in a disposable glove but kept it there a while longer.

I knew by now what the apple's ultimate fate should be. I had to give it back to the tree. It was only a temporary offering I took, now I had to give it back. I just didn't know WHEN. Should I wait exactly a year? I believe I took it in November. I wasn't sure when to return it.

The anniversary of my dad's death, June 29, I had to go out to clean the cat box. (Glamorous, I know.) I decided this was the day, this should be when. That evening I took the apple outside with me, carried it to the woods' edge, & gave it back to the tree.

There's an element here I've forgotten to mention: Among the Germanic deities, the goddess Hel.

I'd briefly toyed with the thought that maybe SHE was the one. Not a deity of love, war, or fertility. The deity of death. Why her? Because suffering & death seem to follow me everywhere I go. I seem destined to keep witnessing this, without being able to do anything to help. Whether it be my cat dying of heart failure, or the raccoon on the porch succumbing to distemper, or my dad slowly dying at home despite my pleas for him to go back to the hospital, it just seems I can only watch the pain, & do nothing. Maybe that's the point, I wondered? Maybe my point isn't love or war or fertility but to witness something's last moments; not to save them (I couldn't save my dad 😞 ), just to be there to see it. Maybe so that something wouldn't die alone or forgotten. Was that my purpose? Was Hel the one?

Accordingly, I looked up & read all the stuff I could find about Hel online. Can't really find info about her in Continental Germanic belief, however; it's all Norse stuff, which I can't really connect to. I figured she has some equivalent somewhere. She's even equated with Holle in some sources, though most conclude they are not the same. I reached this conclusion myself; maybe they share a superficial connection, but I doubt they are the same being.

I decided to venture an offering to Hel. I made a drawing. Since I'm no good at anything & have nothing of value to offer, still I've heard it's the intent that matters most. The drawing isn't how I envision Hel (I think it's posted here somewhere) but I offered it anyway, with all best intentions, then waited for a sign that she accepted it.

I never got any such sign. 😞

I could only conclude that Hel was not the one. That left…nobody. I could think of literally nobody I'd read about that might accept me as theirs. This realization really hurt. I've been rejected by most people and groups already…to be rejected even by a spiritual being you're reaching out to, well, that's a special kind of hurt. Like being rejected by your own parents. By the universe itself.

After leaving the apple under the tree--an offering given back, to whom, I didn't know--I remembered this, how Hel hadn't acknowledged me. Nobody had. My eyes filled with tears. I started crying as I cleaned the cat box. I dared to ask directly: Okay then, if it's not you, then who is it? Is there anybody? Send me a sign. It doesn't have to be big, just something small, just something obvious enough that it's not a coincidence. Please, just send me a small sign.

Immediately after I thought this…I felt a tickle on my leg.

[leelee10898]

Two is better then one.

This is my submission for a picture is worth a thousand words challenge hosted by @speedyoperarascalparty. The amazing @riseandshinelittleblossom gave me my photo (Which I LOOOOVE) thanks boo. The pairing I chose is Leo & Alicia from the cgw world by @ao719 @riseandshinelittleblossom @speedyoperarascalparty, @cocomaxley and myself.

This is pure fluffy. Ooey gooey sweetness. Enjoy!

Alicia walked out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around her body. She glanced over at the bed a beautiful light pink floral sun dress laid out for her, with a note attached.

Meet me in the foyer at 5. -Love, Leo

A smile played on her lips. It was their first real date since becoming official. Sure they had been out together before, but they always called it hanging out and yes she had been his date to courtly functions, but again they were friends with benefits so it was fitting. At first when he asked her to go on a date, she thought he was joking so she laughed only he was serious. Shaking her head at the thought, She slipped the dress over her head.  She dried her hair and did it in loose beach waves Fixed her makeup, slipped in a pair of wedges and headed down to meet Leo.

She descended the staircase, Leo's mouth fell open. “You look breathtaking love.” he leaned in pressing his lips to her cheek. “You don't look so  bad yourself handsome.” Leo wore a pair of dark wash jeans, and a short sleeved button up, amd a new pair of sneakers. “New shoes?” she eyed him. “Of course. Shall well?” He grinned holding his arm out. She looped her arm in his and they walked out of the palace.

Leo opened the passenger door of the sleek black bmw, closing it as she was inside. He ran around to the drivers seat. “So, you gonna tell me what you have planned or what?”

“So impatient.” he teased. “we are going to dinner, somewhere you'll like.”

“Ok, fine. I'll let you have your fun.”

He reached over turning on the radio. “Here sit back, listen to some music and enjoy the ride.” She complied as he drove down the drive way and onto the highway. Taking the long way, he zipped through the hills of the cordonian countryside. He knew how much Alicia loved the scenery. “How you doing over there?” He glanced over at her, breaking the silence that settled over the car.

“Good. Just enjoying the view.” She grinned

A few minutes later they came over the last of the tall hills, the sparkling ocean laid out in front of them. A wide grin spread across her lips “I dont think I'll ever get tired of this view.”

“Neither will I.” His eyes never leaving her.

They pulled up to a small restaurant sitting right on the beach. “Seaside Gem?” She read the sign. “Yup, its one of my favorite places. I hope you like it.” He grinned holding his hand out to help her out of the car. They walked into the restaurant, the quaint view from the outside was nothing compared to the inside. The interior was decorated in a tasteful nautical theme, the wood craftsmanship was breathtaking. “Ah Prince Leo, good to see you.” an older gentleman approached them. “Papa Carl, how are you?” He shook his hand pulling him in for a hug. “Leo, you've brought a friend! And who is this lovely lady?”

“Where are my manners, Carl this beautiful woman right here, is my girlfriend, Alicia.” Leo beamed. Carl clutched his chest “Oh my god, i never thought I'd see the day. Come on, come on you two. The best seat in the house for you.” He pulled them along. “Momma louisa is not going to believe it.” He handed them menus as they sat in the booth.

“Papa Carl? Momma Louisa?” Alicia eyed him.

“I found this place when i was a teenager, Damien and I would sneak out, come to the beach and prowl for girls.” He grinned.

“Oh! So you bring girls here often?”

“No. Ive actually never brought a girl here before. I was supposed to meet Damien one day, but he never showed. I wandered around for a while and got hungry, so I came in here. I had no money on me, no credit cards, nothing. But Carl and louisa sat me down and fed me.”

He smiled at the memory, Alicia reached for his hand. “So they became like family?”

“They did, I came back the next week, money in hand. Week after week I would sneak off and come here to eat and enjoy their company. They felt like a family, lord knows my father wasnt a very good father after Liam's mom died.”

“Oh my little Leonard, come give momma a hug.” a short olive skinned woman, with a thick italian accent came barreling around the corner.

He stood hugging her, leaning down so she could kiss each cheek.  “Momma louisa, this is my girlfriend Alicia. Alicia this is Momma Louisa.”

Alicia stood extending her hand “Its nice to meet ya.”

“This one, shes American no?” she looked between the two. “Ah yes, I am actually. Long Beach in New York.” Alicia answered.  

“Ahh Mia familia in New York, ah in Brooklyn.” Louisa smiled. “Come, come.” she motioned for Alicia to come closer as she wrapped her in a giant hug. “I like her Leonard, you keep this one eh.” She pointed her finger at him. “I plan to mamma.”

They ordered and the waiter brought their meal out. Leo ordering  scoglio which had scallops, shrimp, muscles and clams. Alicia ordering chicken parmigiana, her absolute favorite meal.

“Ok I dont even like sea food and that, looks amazing.” She eyed his dish. “Oh. it is. Wait til you taste yours.” He watched as she cut into the tender, juicy cutlet and twirled the spaghetti on the fork. She took a bite. Her eyes snapping shut. “mmmmm oh. My. God. Leo, this is, wow! Its like i died and gone to Italian heaven. This is way better then mine.”

“I told you. But I happen to think yours is really damn good love.”

They devoured their food. Paying the bill, and hugging Carl and louisa goodbye, with the promise to come back atleast once a month.

She started walking towards the car before Leo stopped her. “No love. Were not leaving just yet.” he lead her down a small path that opened up to a boardwalk,  complete with shops and stahls. “Care to take a stroll?” He laced his fingers with hers.

“Of course. But only if you win me something.”

They walked hand in hand along the semi crowded boardwalk. A few people gasping, pointing and speaking amongst themselves. “People are staring, Leo.” Alicia dropped her voice. “So, let them stare.” He chuckled as they continued their walk stopping at the arcade. “Lets see. Ring toss? NO. skiball? To easy. Ah! This.” He stopped at the bottle toss game. “Leo. these things are always rigged.” She whispered. “Nonsense, Let me show you how its done.” He paid the attendant and grabbed the 3 balls. He threw on hitting it, wobbling a few, the 2nd ball knocked the top bottle off, but on the 3rd he hit it just right and all of the bottles came tumbling down. He picked a large stuffed weiner dog that she named Fred.

They continued their walk, talking and laughing along the way. “Tell me, where do you see yourself in oh 5 years?” He asked, trying to pull her attention from the people that had now crowded to the boardwalk.  “Five years? Well, if we are being honest.” She paused for a moment, not sure if she should really say what her heart's desire was. She closed her eyes for a second, and took a deep breath. “I hope to be married and have at least one child by then.”

She waited for him to choke, stop walking, stutter nervously, but he didn't. “Is that so?” He sounded amused.

“Yeah. It's just, something I've always wanted. To be married, have a family.” She nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ears. “And tell me Alicia, do you see that for us?” Alicia stopped dead in her tracks now turning to look directly at him. “I. Um. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind. But Leo I understand if that's not something you want. I know it was a big step, asking me to be your girlfriend. I would never push-”

“You would never push anything on me love.” He cut her off, she opened her mouth to speak, but he continued. “Alicia, from the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were different.  Everything about you pulled me in. It took me a little bit to realize that you were the one, but mostly because of my wanting to deny my feelings. ” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear “I am hopelessly in love with you, Alicia McCall. And I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make you my wife,  and the mother of my children.” A stray tear rolled down her face. Her eyes darted around at the large crowd of onlookers. “They're really staring now.”

“Maybe I want them to. Maybe I want to give them to see how madly in love I am with you. Maybe, just maybe we should give them a show.” Leo gave her that sly smirk.

She fumbled forwards, he foot grazing the top of his shoe. “Hey, watch the shoes.” He teased.

A matched grin formed on her face. “Oh, i'll watch the shoes alright.” one by one she stood on top of his feet, she leaned up on her tiptoes, pulling the collar of his shirt. He met her demands as their lips crashed together in a soft, passionate kiss. They pulled back staring into each other's eyes. They could hear the gasps, giggles and cameras snapping photos from the press and onlookers around them. “Liam's gonna be pissed.” Alicia giggled. “Let him be.” Leo grinned his large hands wrapped around her waist as he lifted her and spun her around. “Thank you, this has been a great date.” She smiled as he let her down. “You are welcome, but this date is far from over love. Just wait until we get back to the palace.” He growled.

“Well, last one to the car is a rotten egg.” She took off running.

Leo stood there giving her a head start “God I fucking love her.” She said to himself before he took off running.

When your ready to post be sure to tag Writers:

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@be-still-my-aching-heart @explorer-of-gems

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: 💕 Janis: feeling the love 'cos corporate making ya, hey? Janis: how many holiday drinks you made today Jimmy: feels like billions Jimmy: not the kinda wrist action to be #buzzing about Janis: here's hoping you working commission lad Janis: is any? 🤔 #hotdatewithjane Jimmy: Tam's been in and out all day earning you those kicks you desire Jimmy: #notsosecretadmirer Jimmy: can't stay away on this special day Janis: Christ, you'd think she wouldn't wanna be seen DEAD outside her house, single, on this most sacred day Janis: gotta be stringing her along with lingering just a little too long when handing over the caffeine, good job babe 👏 Janis: think Grace is lowkey in hiding Janis: too late to even frantically swipe right on tinder now ladies Jimmy: Tell her Bobby'll be round Jimmy: He would if date night wasn't past his bedtime like Janis: 😂 bless Janis: all got our cross to bear, kid Janis: can't get my date out without a leash and promises of treats 🤷 Jimmy: Speaking of bitches, I seen Mia's timed her latest for the stockholm syndrome to kick in right on time Janis: look, i know you're bitter 'cos i've chucked you for better but don't bad mouth the bae, ok? Janis: forreal tho, they have schedules, like clockwork Janis: a new man for every occasion, this one won't last 'til her bday Jimmy: Keeping my hands where Tams can't see or cuff 'em Janis: 😏 tmi Janis: and unhygienic to boot, you serve lattes with those hands Jimmy: filthy 🧠 Jimmy: it's the company you keep Jimmy: Twix's gone from trying to shit in my dad's shoes to humping 'em Janis: whoa now, i didn't teach her that Janis: but think about it, from a scatological foot fetish to just a bit of vanilla pre-teen humping of inanimate objects Janis: it IS a step in the right direction Jimmy: But you are about treating 'em mean to keep 'em keen Janis: Your kicks are safe, dun' worry Janis: if she's taught me anything, not the way into the good books 😇 Jimmy: If you wanna aim for my work shoes I won't complain Jimmy: A day off is a day off Jimmy: Warn me first though, unless you're into those kind of surprises Janis: Best not to be seen with each other today Janis: don't wanna give everyone the wrong idea Janis: but nice try, you'll have to stick to burning yaself and the like if you wanna bunk Jimmy: Tammy's bound to help me with that Jimmy: #likeagiraffeonice Janis: She's beauty, she's graces Janis: wants you to cum all over her face Jimmy: fingers crossed she'll melt mine off first Jimmy: Better with that Janis: fair Janis: no way you've got the reach Jimmy: 💕 #whenbaebelievesinyou Janis: what, you want me to offer help with target practice? Janis: nice try dickhead 😜 Jimmy: Romance isn't dead there's the proof Jimmy: What are you doing today, aside from belly rubs for the bae Janis: gotta do something, don't I? feel bad like Janis: slayed the gift game and I really phoned it in so obvs gotta give out those sexual favours Janis: nowt though, trying to avoid seeing all the lovey-dovey couples making me wanna vom Janis: letting Tam work her magic in peace 😘 welcome like Jimmy: 💔🐶🎻 Jimmy: Making drinks with my eyes closed 'cause same Jimmy: Crack on Tam #tallgirlsneedlovetoo Janis: any barista will do 🎶 Janis: wanna hang when the madness is over Jimmy: The way this queue is going there isn't gonna be goodies left to bring you Jimmy: But I'm sweet enough😎 Jimmy: So yeah Janis: Bummer Janis: guess I can't kick you outta bed for that alone Janis: let you tot up negatives throughout the day, standard Jimmy: Got a pen behind my ear Jimmy: Come at me Janis: never could resist a challenge Janis: 🙄 walked into that one Janis: can we do something not shit Janis: don't need to see you slurping down spaghetti lady and the tramp stylee Jimmy: 💔 I'll shoo away all the strays I've gathered Jimmy: Only one dog for you like Jimmy: But of course that's how we stay goals Jimmy: any old shit won't do 💪🏆 Janis: 🎻 Janis: okay good Janis: play your cards right and get it right Janis: i'll spring for the motel 😉 Jimmy: Challenge accepted Janis: for once i'll be rooting for you Janis: my parents are unbearable at the best of times Janis: 🤢 Janis: actually cannot deal Jimmy: My dad and his girlfriend are still early days enough that they can bear to be in the same room Jimmy: I won't fail Janis: oh the honeymoon period Janis: disgusting Janis: thank god we got that out of the way with a fake relationship so you know my true feelings 😏 Jimmy: yeah thanks mate Jimmy: 👍 Janis: welcome, buddy o' pal o' mine Jimmy: Done Jimmy: I've worked it out Janis: taking a particularly difficult shit? Janis: again, don't need these intimate updates honey Janis: not #goals Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: No, what's goals is what we're gonna do, babe 😏 Jimmy: Keeping you outta the house 'til there's no cringe factor left Janis: Ahh Janis: colour me intrigued Jimothy Janis: what's the dress code? Jimmy: 🤔 Jimmy: Nothing Tam would be seen dead in Janis: Alright, no body con that shows all my worst bits, gotcha Janis: do I get ANY clues? Curious 🙀 right here Jimmy: You might just make yourself a new bae Jimmy: But pace yourself mate Janis: 😳 Janis: i don't own any PVC clothing, you know that, yeah? Jimmy: I do now 🎻 Janis: 😂 can literally hear Gracie in my head asking me what i'm like rn Janis: letting ya man down on vday Janis: honestly Jimmy: when one twin's a giver and the other's a taker 😂 Janis: tbf, we BOTH told you you'd got the wrong one but Janis: cloth ears you Jimmy: Down for the challenge Jimmy: Too late to not be a stubborn dickhead, me Janis: looks like we're both stuck then, lad Jimmy: there's that #realtalk mate Janis: can't say we didn't both give it a fair go Janis: #longdistanceloveinskerries #teenagerunaway Jimmy: You'll always have Twix 💕 Janis: gotta have someone to rely on init Jimmy: #tea Janis: #scaldedagain #jobhazard Jimmy: [Sends a selfie of an actual burn/on the job hazard] Jimmy: Stuff of fantasies that Janis: Poor baby! Has Tam not offered to 💋 it better? Janis: #slacking Jimmy: She's got her 👀 a bit lower down Jimmy: I'm just a piece of 🍖 Jimmy: The real hazard Janis: start a # about it Janis: 'cos can't blame her Janis: part of the problem, truly Jimmy: Will do Janis: being all distracting there with your apron and that Janis: asking for it Jimmy: I thought it was the shoes Jimmy: Sexy from head to toe like Jimmy: 🐶💗 Janis: 😋 something certainly got tongues n tails wagging Jimmy: 😎 Jimmy: The company I keep, I think 😉 Janis: valid, the bitches love me 😍 Jimmy: Alright, save it for the 'gram Jimmy: #humblebrag Janis: Twix is a busy lady, only got you scheduled in so far Janis: guess the fans will have to make do with your mug 😜 Jimmy: unlucky lads and lasses Janis: they love it Janis: 'til some other cunt is unlucky enough to be enrolled in our school, you're gonna stay flavour of the month 🍦 Jimmy: 💪🥇 Janis: meanwhile, i gotta wait 'til the next fam scandal 'til I'm relevant again Janis: such is life Janis: not that its ever THAT long 🙄 Jimmy: Whip up some fake drama for you to hide in if you want Jimmy: Crack 'em out with the lattes Janis: I don't doubt you're capable Janis: just getting over sinkgate 😏 Mr. Lucas never will 😉 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: He's one of the only dickheads who hasn't been in today Jimmy: Still time 🤞 Janis: think a milky earl grey is his shout Janis: get it ready, really impress him Janis: more than you did, obvs Jimmy: The coffee breath and forehead vein says espresso though 🤔 Jimmy: Man o mystery Janis: 🤤 Janis: so hot Jimmy: More competition is it? Jimmy: 💔🎻 Janis: Using you as a ploy to get him hot under that starched collar all along Janis: soz babes 😘 Jimmy: I should've known your real goal was to get under that lumpy jumper Janis: 😂 Janis: know he's got the goods under it Jimmy: Can't fight the feeling Janis: s'a real shame the hottest female teacher we've got is that TA with the wonky fringe and clompy shoes Janis: who you got your sights set on next? Jimmy: always been about a wonky fringe meself Jimmy: Clompy shoes are a massive bonus when Twix is being a mad bitch underfoot too like Janis: draw the line there pal Janis: gotta get the dog in the divorce like Janis: not letting that hipster bitch anywhere near Jimmy: 🥊 Jimmy: going down swinging Janis: if she doesn't scream cat lady as is, she's defs into weird pets like fucking Janis: stick insects Janis: hope you're soooo happy together like 🖕 not even mad Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: nice to have your blessing, mate Jimmy: be my best man on the day Janis: literally fuck off Janis: only just got rid of the lesbian rumours and you wanna put me in a suit WHILST friendzoning me Janis: nah 😤 Jimmy: spoilsport Jimmy: found a challenge she won't accept Janis: only way i'm showing up is if you invite all your exes and put us on a table so we can chat mad shit on you Janis: be a man about it, boy Jimmy: card table at the back, couple of chairs so you can place your bets 👍 Janis: more like it Janis: hook up with your actual best man Janis: pure spite and alcohol fuelling me Jimmy: It'd probs be Cass so best not Jimmy: no good for the rep Janis: 😡 Janis: same tho, if i ever got hitched (ignoring the unlikeliness of that) i'd have to hit up the sibs for those bridesmaids and ting Janis: least my fam is good for numbers if not company like Jimmy: Grace has used her twin senses and is moodboarding somewhere rn Jimmy: Unlucky Janis: 🤢 don't Janis: vietnam flashbacks rn Janis: you know how many fake weddings of hers i've attended Jimmy: I can imagine Jimmy: And am Jimmy: Cute 😂 Janis: Fuck off Janis: shame your dad don't wanna be bffs Janis: can't hit him up for embarrassing pics and stories to use against you Jimmy: Another win to my name Janis: 🖕 Janis: sincerely hope you get a beverage thrown in ur face Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Wish you'da got me some earplugs Jimmy: Come on over mate, I've got loads Jimmy: #whenyourdadisdating Janis: literally Janis: at least you know its the same woman to avoid when she runs to the bog to clean herself up Janis: Pablo already on 2nd of the day Janis: Need a way to let 'em know Jimmy: Gotta have a sleepover with your real bae Jimmy: Twix'll sort 'em Jimmy: Sticking her nose in, literally like Janis: Oh that sweet curious girl Janis: some things she never need see 🙈 Jimmy: #nosybitchproblems Janis: getting dirt on enemy #1 anyway she can Janis: those bribe bones coming her way Jimmy: Happy v-day to her Janis: Maybe you and wonky fringe can have a fuck-off Janis: bet she's a right goer when you get the hair down and glasses off like Jimmy: Invite you and Mr Lucas for the post shag debrief Jimmy: Give you a /10 Janis: Naturally Janis: so curious to know how I rank 😒 Jimmy: Always a 10 with Twix Janis: 🙌 Janis: that'll help with the rep Jimmy: Me and Killer'll take the heat off with our new relationship shine Janis: yeah it loves you Janis: daft fucking dog Jimmy: Pity I can't turn the 💕 into 💰 Jimmy: Loads of lattes no will to keep slinging 'em Janis: Looking for a career change? Janis: fame getting too real? Jimmy: Got me looking like a deer in the headlights Jimmy: Tammy's livid Jimmy: There can only be one Janis: 'bout to be a bloodbath in CG Jimmy: Place your bets, mate Janis: hmm Janis: Tams got the reach like but reckon she's mostly talk n neck Janis: nan's not been in has she? 😉 Jimmy: She's serving me that 💔 while I crane my own neck looking out for her all day long Jimmy: no sign yet Janis: Gutted Janis: even she's feeling the lurve today Janis: literally no place to go Janis: so tragic Jimmy: About to eat my feelings like a proper flat white squad member Jimmy: Speaking of feeling that l.u.r.v.e did you hear how many cards Cass got sent? Jimmy: 7 Janis: WHAT Janis: get it gurl but also fuck off lads she's too lil Jimmy: walking about like its nowt Jimmy: 😎 Janis: thank god Janis: no one needs that ego boost Janis: fuming tbh Jimmy: Bobs made one at school Jimmy: guess who for Janis: Aww, bless him Janis: she does need that boost Janis: he gonna hand-deliver? Jimmy: He's insisting Jimmy: So be about Jimmy: You got one too Jimmy: moving in on my lass Janis: we in, have to kick the empty ice cream cartons out the way like but find us in front of bridget jones or similar Janis: i'm honoured like 😊 Jimmy: Yours is bigger but hers has more glitter Jimmy: Can't call a winner Janis: size matters Janis: #facts Janis: soz Gracie, gotta fight you or you'll get too comfy Jimmy: Just don't let her vlog it Jimmy: Don't need porno style #s going viral Janis: MY TWIN ATTACKED ME!?!?!?! (NOT CLICKBAIT) Jimmy: Haters, on this sacred day Jimmy: #savage Janis: Glad to keep her in #content Janis: who's the real ⭐ baby Jimmy: 🤩 Jimmy: Better than 💝 chocs Janis: the calories! 😱 Jimmy: who needs food when you can exist on ☕ and even hotter goss 💋 Janis: diet of champions that 🙄 Janis: mia be bullshitting them that she doesn't run on sheer cuntiness Jimmy: Mia? A bullshitter? 😲 Jimmy: Nope Janis: awks 😕 Janis: did you think you was forever? Jimmy: she was my fucking cinnamon apple Janis: 😂 Janis: at least i've got an excuse to fight her again Janis: try not to get in the way this time Jimmy: Will do Jimmy: 2nd rule of fight club, get out the way dickhead Janis: brad pitt in that film Janis: mwah 💋👌 Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: I got no retort because Helena, not the one like Janis: crazy bitch not your type, eh? Janis: think the masses would have to disagree 😏 Jimmy: Start a # or I'm not listening, sorry everyone Janis: he's a modern man Jimmy: 💪😎 Janis: wonder if anyone will get pregnant tonight Janis: wanna make a bet? Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: I'll put today's wage on it Jimmy: No tips Jimmy: Need them for our big 💕 plans Janis: alright, you're on Janis: here's hoping its only the tip for all the other lads like Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: Walked into that one Janis: 💁 Janis: shame we're not a hardcore catholic school #upthebuttforjesus Jimmy: I'd have to pray meself if I'd made a bet under them conditions Janis: what can i say? just like me, showing faith in our peers Janis: ur so negative, babe Janis: like dem tests 🤞 Jimmy: don't need to be an optimist to wait for those positives Janis: we'll see Jimmy: what to I get when I win this one Jimmy: quite a streak now babe 😏 Janis: 😣 Janis: on the off chance you manage to scrape a win Janis: what do you want? Jimmy: 🤔 Jimmy: Escape route for longer than a night for starters Jimmy: Lovebirds doing my head in Jimmy: I'm thinking a weekend break that isn't #cursed like Janis: Always down for running Janis: up for it not being away from you this time 😉 Janis: bringing the kiddos or? Jimmy: Depends if they kick off Jimmy: Got time to work on bribes Jimmy: Dad's Valerie might wanna play happy families 😒 Janis: 😬 Janis: that'll be fun Janis: can't have you dealing with that Janis: at least their tales of woe whilst you were gone will be packed with that #scandal and #drama Jimmy: might be easier to take 'em amount of SOS's we'd get Jimmy: Cass blowing up both our phones before we're out the door Jimmy: fuck knows Janis: Eithers cool Janis: just leave the hardcore whips n chains at home like Jimmy: Damn Jimmy: Alright done Jimmy: If we stick 'em on their own does that make us the mccanns Janis: not if we don't drug 'em Janis: stick to sweets and other such bribes and we'll be alright Jimmy: Gonna be enough of a plan getting there without adding a murder cover up Janis: honestly Janis: not on the agenda Janis: not a nice pretty white doctor like, never getting away with it Jimmy: not the 💕 american films'd have you believe either I reckon Jimmy: Surrounded by a cloud of smoke already cheers don't need a hail of bullets Janis: yeah if #blacklivesmatter taught us anything Janis: not the ideal way to spend a weekend Janis: also, still creasing at her name Janis: such middle aged hot piece of ass vibes Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: definitely can't promise you any of that Jimmy: but if you win, I'll 🚭 and hopefully run like less of a middle aged dickhead with a dad bod Jimmy: less of an evidence trail an' all Jimmy: win win Janis: whoa, that's awful big talk from the resident chimney Janis: you are sure you're gonna win 😉 Janis: but i accept the full Ts and Cs Janis: you should train with me Janis: not just an excuse to 👀 the dad bod Jimmy: Deal done then Jimmy: Trying to see me in my short shorts Jimmy: You'll have to catch me first like Janis: wouldn't even be fair to make it a competition like Jimmy: If you're too shit scared, mate Janis: just curious why you wanna lose so bad Janis: thinking you might love what punishment i have in mind? Jimmy: Wondering what it feels like 'cause it never happens Jimmy: You seem to be about it with all your repeats Janis: I'm going to enjoy making you suffer Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: Gonna start a club with Mr Lucas? Janis: any time i get to spend with him like Janis: not like I wanna think up new cruel and unusual ways to get you but Janis: needs must Jimmy: 💕 cute Jimmy: I'd tell him to get his 🎻 out but we know what those hands are busy doing Janis: eurgh 😂 too far Janis: my 'rents reckon he's an actual predator, like, there are stories Janis: do not wanna commit so hard to this bit that I become his next victim forreal Jimmy: Not gonna happen babe 💪😎🐶 Jimmy: Squad got you covered Janis: My heroes 😍 Jimmy: If Twix isn't up to it my bae'll come through Jimmy: Named for it literally Janis: Reckon that was the idea Janis: or they were being ironic with it Janis: #sojokes Jimmy: either way I'll knock him out before its a drama Jimmy: as long as you don't get in my way naturally Janis: don't worry, got the sense I was born with 😜 Janis: dickhead Jimmy: Lucky you were born with it Jimmy: Some of us have neither Janis: 🎻 Janis: so what part of pretty woman you looking to recreate this time Janis: what's your artistic vision? 😏 Jimmy: I haven't seen it Jimmy: Bound to be an aesthetic montage though, isn't there? Janis: don't let my sister hear you Janis: roped into GIRLS NIGHT! before you know it Jimmy: Get the popcorn in Gracie, mine's salted Jimmy: Shout you a diet something if you keep the noise down, hun Janis: #romanticvdaynightplans Janis: i get why she got confused, you have #boundaryissues mate 😂 Jimmy: Living up to that dating a twin stereotype Jimmy: The people in my comment section DEMAND it, alright? Jimmy: #gottagiveemwhattheywant Janis: Nah, bitch, you can only play that if we're identical Janis: its not like whoops thought it was u Janis: on ANY level 😤 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: Oh shit the boss is the embodiment of that emoji Jimmy: Yours not mine Jimmy: Gonna have to get a room Jimmy: Ban him, that's not how I'm earning employee of the month perks, sorry lad Janis: Convenient 😒 Janis: lemme catch u in her inbox boi 🥊 Janis: jk, get to work slacker, catch you in a mo Jimmy: 🐊 Jimmy: In a bit 💕 Janis: 🖤